One of the greatest sadnesses to me is the assumption that I am a poet. I do not know, I hate it as a poet. Not
why. I do not feel worthy of that label yet. I am learning to write poetry, but I told you so many
times that I just wanted to
write for myself and the universe. I'm not looking for labeling, frills like
that, or the legitimacy that
I'm a poet.
I'm not a poet. I'm just a freelance copyeditor who teach
Indonesian Language for Senior High School - who are also learning to be translators. I do
not need a big name. I never looked for the sensation that my name would
bounce. Once again I affirm that I am not a poet. I do not want to be known and
do not want to be famous.
I do not want to tell you about so many things. Because most people never
trust me. I do not care. Those who think I'm a fool, just hiding in the armpit of her husband, and all my
hard work even considered my husband's hard work. This is the fate of marrying
an intelligent person. Then you'll look stupid and unacknowledged.
In the past, when I had a boyfriend of a young poet (quite famous in Indonesia), when several times my poetry escaped at a poet
meeting in Southeast Asia, those thought the great was my lover. Okay, I'll take
it. When I started to be known for my writing when I was in love with a young painter (quite famous in Jambi), those also thought I was just ride
restige through the Painter. All right,
I'll keep accepting. Even if you have never considered my grief, I will still
accept.
Those who call me stupid and famous pass through my past lovers, people who
until now consider my wins as my husband's blessings, they may be right. But to
prove the nonsense, they should ask my husband whether it is true or not. Did I
ever involve my husband in all my writing? You may ask him directly.
I hate all the nonsense and wild lies which until now its trail has not been wiped out by the
wind and the sun. I told you I am just a fool and madwoman looking for a way home, a long journey
to me, home to my old-time journey. I do not need a big name. I do not need legitimacy. I told you I was
not a poet, i’m not a poet, and never being a poet. I'm just a madwoman who is hard for anyone to understand.
You can insult me. Please! I will not slap you let alone immortalize you in
my writings. Because I told you, I'm a fool. Nor is anyone worth remembering
let alone remembered in the long history of literature that can be told later. I'm just a
fool who is learning to switch majors to being a translator. What? You'll still
assume that I'm still hiding under my husband's armpits. But you can ask him, how is his toefle score? Has he finished grasping the
English grammar properly? Please ask him! sorry, not meant to degrade my intelligent
husband. My madness about the
circumstances made me this way.
I'm not a poet. Do not call me a poet! You'll just make me sad. For my wish to go to
that presumption is still far away. The steep road is still not flat. It will
be very difficult to achieve. So I tell you, being a poet is a hopeless goal.
I'm not a poet. I wasn’t a poet. Though I really wanted it. Do not call me a poet! I'm just a half-hearted fool looking for a way home.
Jerambah Bolong, 04 September
2017
Rini Febriani Hauri
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